It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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