he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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