Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
