just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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