just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
