found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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