If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
