did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
