It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
