it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
