now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
