I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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