i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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