I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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