I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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