His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
