so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
