you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
