i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
