you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
