dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
