I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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