I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
