He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
