just tell him i said nine months
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
