You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
