well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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