I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
