My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
