This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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