I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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