I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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