I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
