Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
