if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
