The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
