I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Semen is not good for contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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