Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You are the jesus of drinking
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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