I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
