Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
