Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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