Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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