Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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