I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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