I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
