Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.