Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
one might say we're banned from that church
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.