I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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