im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
