No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
