My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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