did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pants are for mortals
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
