If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
