the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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