he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
