I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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